Lollipop Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen

Lollipop Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen

A light-hearted look at Britain’s unsung civic heroes

I’m sure you admire our lollipop ladies as much as I do. Braving the elements, these civic-minded stalwarts patrol our streets ensuring the safety of the little ones as they staunchly hold up the traffic to escort the safe passage of young Tarquin and Jemima on their way to school in the nightmare that is Keir Starmer’s Britain.

Armed with their outsized sweet on a stick yet strangely dressed up like doctors or scientists, the lollipop lady cuts an unmistakable figure on British streets. Of course, they do exist in other parts of the world: for example, in America they are known as crossing guards which sounds suitably authoritarian, in Germany they are known as Schulweghelfer which sounds more German, and in France they are referred to as agents de traversée scolaire, which just sounds stupidly bureaucratic.

However, when it comes to the work of these lolly-wielding Amazons there is one central problem: where are the men? I don’t believe I have ever seen a male lollipop lady on British streets and I have a theory as to why this is the case.

The problem lies in the name. Officially, a male lollipop lady is called a “lollipop man” but this isn’t logical. A male landlady is not a landman but a landlord. We don’t say “My Men, Ladies and Gentlemen” we say “My Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen” and so by extension the male version of a lollipop lady must surely be a lollipop lord.

I believe that male applications for the position of lollipop lady would surge if a job description referred to an opening for the position of lollipop lord. Just imagine how much pride, how much self-esteem could be engendered in the heart of a young British male in Keir Starmer’s Britain if he could proudly tell people in the pub that he was a Lollipop Lord!

Also imagine the sense of fun and excitement this would create among the children as they approached the zebra crossing in the morning knowing they are to be greeted by a true Lord of the Realm rather than some plain old hi-vis babushka.

This is one highly practical way to enliven the drab misery of Keir Starmer’s Britain by acknowledging the value of our men and restoring them to their rightful title. Working as a Lollipop Lord might also be a suitable form of community service for Prince Andrew after trial and serve as a small form of compensation for his loss of a Dukedom.